Blackadder and Cromwell's war on Irland *Updated*
by Gremlinz
Summary: Balckadder and his


Writer's note: Randal: Now we have updated it and made it better.I hope  
  
R4: dat iz opefully rite but u didn't elp at all u no randy Eddie: dsdasdjhk Randal: Eddie just said please review. R4: if u give us bad reviews me will kick yah batty Randal: They can write bad reviews if they want to.  
  
R4: me no but me iz still goin 2 kick deir batty  
  
  
  
Blackadder  
  
It is the time of Oliver Cromwell. Ireland is revolting and Cromwell has decided to take action.  
  
Sean 1/ Blackadder's drawing room  
  
Blackadder is sitting reading a newspaper. Baldrick and George are hovering near by.  
  
George: Tally oh and pip pippy! I'm glad we have at last the chance to fight those bloody Irish. They've been running around Ireland like the own the place.  
  
Blackadder: Well George they do own the place and they only starting running around it since yesterday.  
  
  
  
George: Well sounds like this Cromwell chap is not the sort of chap to not find words but just take action.  
  
  
  
Blackadder: Correct George and he's the man who turned us all in to puritans. Making us as black and white as a football referee. Cromwell has pass laws like.  
  
  
  
Sean 2/ a field  
  
  
  
Blackadder: Banning all May poles,  
  
A man has been caught with a maypole and a puritan says,  
  
Puritan: It's a no you may not pole.  
  
Sean 3/ A Theatre  
  
  
  
Blackadder: Theatres closed down. Actors exit stage left.  
  
  
  
The law force has told some actors to exit  
  
Actor: Awe, we were just getting to the good bit  
  
Sean 4/ Someone's house  
  
Blackadder: Celebrating Christmas forbidden.  
  
Santa Claus enters by the fire place were the law force is standing  
  
Santa Claus: Merry Chris-.  
  
Solider: Book him Sarge  
  
Sean 5/ Street  
  
Blackadder: Blasted swearing made an offence  
  
A man is standing next to a solider  
  
Man: Oh crap  
  
Solider: You're nicked!  
  
  
  
Man: Double crap with knobs on!  
  
  
  
Sean 6/ Country  
  
Blackadder: And Travelling on Sundays against the law.  
  
A traveller has stopped  
  
Traveller: I'll just have to sit here till Monday.  
  
Sean 7/ Blackadder's drawing room  
  
Baldrick: So my Lord, does this mean that people have got fed up with Mr Cromwell?  
  
Blackadder: Of course Bladders, there have been a lot of attempts to kill Cromwell. Of course its always dim-witted losers performed the best ones. One woman called Miss Greenville tried chucking a brick at him in hope it would solve everything. She missed but if Cromwell had his nose out at her well who could miss a target that big? Anyhow Greenville and the rest of her family barley had any brain cells to share between them.  
  
  
  
George: Miss Greenville was my mother Edmund.  
  
Blackadder: Well that sure does explain a lot George.  
  
A Massager enters  
  
Massager: Lord Blackadder, Lord George and (Looks at Baldrick) Lord Knows.  
  
Blackadder: Yes sir  
  
  
  
Massager: Lord Cromwell calls for your presents in his court right away.  
  
  
  
Blackadder: Ok let's go and see Lord Pinocchio.  
  
  
  
George: Why Blackadder why do you make fun of this chap Cromwell? After call he is simply divine.  
  
  
  
Blackadder: No George he is pimply divine.  
  
  
  
They Exit  
  
  
  
Sean 8/ Cromwell's office  
  
Cromwell, a tall power full man is sitting at his desk waiting for Blackadder. He has a large nose and is covered in warts. He is unlike any Blackadder charter we have seen so far.  
  
Blackadder and George enter  
  
Blackadder: My Lord, You called for us?  
  
Cromwell: Yes I did Blackadder something odd has.  
  
  
  
Baldrick enters  
  
  
  
Baldrick: Me Lord something awful has happen.  
  
  
  
Blackadder: Not now Bladers. We don't have time.  
  
  
  
Baldrick: No me Lord. This is very private thing.  
  
  
  
Cromwell: Shut up you there if you really care, there are more important matters right now.  
  
  
  
George: Such as?  
  
Cromwell: Ireland is revolting.  
  
George: Well we all know that. We can smell it from here but what are we going to do about that awful problem that could well destroy the Commonwealth.  
  
Cromwell: That's it George. What I meant is that Ireland is repelling. I want you and Blackadder to spend your army to Ireland there you will meet with the rest of the British military in Dublin.  
  
  
  
Blackadder: You mean Dublin?  
  
  
  
Cromwell: Indeed.  
  
  
  
Blackadder: The same Dublin where there is a history of English hatred so large it would be about as big as you're nose but made larger by insect bites and mumps at the same time.  
  
  
  
Cromwell: Yes.  
  
  
  
Blackadder: The same Dublin where only last an Englishman wondered in there by mistake and an Irish mob killed him and wrote, "We hated the English so much so we killed this bugger because you lot piss us off!"  
  
  
  
Cromwell: Yes  
  
  
  
Blackadder: The same Dublin say as we go there we shall be killed for being English right now. Where you want us to go and we shall almost meet death on prosaic.  
  
  
  
Cromwell: Yes Blackadder.  
  
  
  
Blackadder: I don't want to sound yellow belled but won't that be slightly dangerous?  
  
  
  
Cromwell: Yes it will but don't worry about a thing Blackadder for I have got a good war Geranial to help you out. The best man there is.  
  
  
  
Melchit enters  
  
  
  
Melchit: Baahhh!  
  
  
  
Blackadder: We're dead!  
  
Sean 9/ A ship's room  
  
Blackadder, George and Baldrick are standing when Melchit is sitting down smoking a pipe.  
  
Melchit: Well now George my boy looking forward for fighting the bloody Irish.  
  
George: Oh yes indeedy sire. I can't stand it any longer I just want to jump out right now and swim all the way there.  
  
Blackadder: George you can't swim and you'll drown. (Pause) So just do it now and let me get some peace!  
  
George: Edmund!  
  
Blackadder: I just can't stand you George. You're brain is so small that if I where to put it next to Baldrick's bar of soap I would think that the bar would look big.  
  
Baldrick: My lord I don't own a bar of soap.  
  
Blackadder; Indeed Baldrick.  
  
Melchit: Why Blackadder how can you said such things about you're friends. They never have a bad word for you.  
  
Blackadder: They're not my friends Melchit.  
  
Melchit: Then who is?  
  
No answer.  
  
Melchit: I see Blacky  
  
Blackadder: Please don't do that. I could go to a court and get you in trouble Melchit just for a walk on Sunday even thought I'd be telling a fib.  
  
Melchit: Oh really Blackadder?  
  
Blackadder: Yes I could lie and say that you have been shagging sheep.  
  
Melchit: (worried) Th.that's not true.  
  
Blackadder: I could just say that some told me so and.  
  
Melchit: Who told you?  
  
Blackadder: No Melchit just made up but say if someone saw you at it.  
  
Melchit: Who saw me!?!  
  
Blackadder: No one.  
  
Melchit: Good for a minute you got me worried.  
  
George: So Melchit, how are we going to win the battle?  
  
Melchit: Oh very simple you and Blackadder here will send you're army here to Dublin.  
  
Blackadder: But sir our army only has about 200 men where as the army at Dublin has 3000. They'll be sure to kill us.  
  
Melchit: No not really Blackly for you see I and the rest of the British Army which has 60000 will get them when they have gone for you it's what they'll least expected.  
  
Sean 10/ the coast of Ireland  
  
Blackadder, Baldrick and George are walking with their men to Dublin.  
  
Baldrick: Such a shame me lord that we will be going to Dublin and getting killed by the Irish.  
  
Blackadder: Yes Baldrick I know you'll be killed but I will be out of this mess and kissing Cromwell's bottom goodbye.  
  
George: How Edmund?  
  
Blackadder: I have a cousin here know as Father O'adder a rich priest. So rich he could pay Cromwell to become a king. Money like that could make anyone fly like a hyper goose flying south for the winter but ends up north because he flew around the earth in 80 seconds.  
  
Baldrick: Me lord.  
  
Blackadder: I'm going to hide down at his big house tonight and I know for a fact that the army's only going to kick the peasants hard in the bottom and leave him out of it. Maybe I'll throw a bone to you two for dropping by if you beg for it because I'm spending time with that guy and I'm going to be nicking some of his cash for fun.  
  
Baldrick: But.me lord.  
  
Blackadder: Just as soon as we set up camp I'll do a runner perhaps you two can come with me maybe?  
  
Baldrick: Lord B. I.  
  
Sean11/ the streets of Dublin.  
  
The three are looking for O'adder's house.  
  
Blackadder: (Holding up a map) Well it isn't here is it or we would have found it by now.  
  
Baldrick: But me lord I got to tell you about the.  
  
Blackadder: What?  
  
Baldrick: I got a note saying that you're cousin died and you were going to get his riches in his will unless you join in an attack against Ireland then you just get to pay for his funeral.  
  
Blackadder: What?  
  
Baldrick: I tried to tell you at Cromwell's court but you told me to keep it down then I tried telling you on our way here but you kept going on and on about.  
  
Blackadder: Bugger, Baldrick, bugger.  
  
Baldrick: But don't worry I heard that in the will if you fight Ireland for any reason all the dough goes to his old war buddy Lord Melchit.  
  
Blackadder: WHAT!!!  
  
Baldrick: It's true sure and his old house is now been taken down to make room for Charity shop.  
  
Blackadder: Damn now I can't go back to camp for Melchit will have found out and the charge for doing a runner is death.  
  
George: My word isn't this funny. Here we are lost in Dublin and if found the Irish or the British will kill us. Nowhere to go and this city going to be turn into rubble. tomorrow. (Pause) Wait that's a bit worry isn't it?  
  
Blackadder: I'm getting out of here.  
  
Sean12/ a back ally  
  
The Blackadder 3 are trying to hide and get some sleep  
  
Baldrick: Me lord?  
  
Blackadder: What?  
  
Baldrick: Tell me a bedtime story. I can't sleep without a bedtime story.  
  
Blackadder: Oh damn.  
  
Baldrick: Me mum told them to me all the time when I was a nipper.  
  
Blackadder: Indeed an old gorilla grunting something to her only human son every night till his 35 birthday.  
  
Baldrick: How did you know that sir?  
  
George: Come on Edmund give us a good tale that we can go to bed with a happy heart.  
  
Blackadder: Ok. Once a upon a time there was a man Blackadder who was pissed off by two babies called George and Baldrick so he killed them for being bloody annoying!  
  
Baldrick and George haven't got a clue on what he's on about.  
  
George: Oh Edmund, Baldrick I just can't sleep for just waiting to get up tomorrow and joining the fair and true Brits fighting the evil Irish for our motherland.  
  
Blackadder: George you great tonk. The land we are on is the Irish's motherland and I don't give a damn about Briton or Ireland as long as I can make great hill of cash out of both of them without a hard fight.  
  
George: You see sire why do you hate fighting sir?  
  
Blackadder: Well in the old day before Cromwell took over the fighting meant about fire one shot at the enemy and then going off to rain a town for fun. I'd stay at an inn and drink all the booze, steal all the money and get into bed with the inn owner's wife Kate but she say her name was Bob. Then old Cromwell changed everything by making the New Model Army. Then it meant fighting till the battle was own and even then we couldn't get to rain towns for fun but had to be goodie goods and stay at camp. That Cromwell man's insane!  
  
George: Oh you see Edmund you even hate Cromwell and the Commonwealth. I may not like the way he kicked Charles I off the throne but he's our ruler.  
  
Blackadder: Look George I liked the way he proved that divine rights were bullocks and showed that a king is there to serve his subjects. But I can't stand the way that he wanted to stop the king ruling like a dictator and then he became one himself. I'd say it's like Animal Farm but George Orwell won't be born for another 400 years.  
  
Baldrick: Me Lord I have a cunning plan.  
  
Blackadder: Ok Baldrick let' here it out.  
  
Baldrick: We just stay here paint some potatoes grey and watch them dry. I know it won't help us but it'll be good fun.  
  
Blackadder: Sod this.  
  
Blackadder gets a club and knocks Baldrick and George out then does the same to himself.  
  
Sean 13/ the same ally  
  
It's morning and everything is smoking and there is crowd getting ready for battle.  
  
Crowd: Long Live Ireland!  
  
Blackadder: (Waking up) Oh dear.  
  
A solider runs up to where the three are.  
  
Solider: Be you Irish or English?  
  
George: Well that's the easiest question ever asked I can say that we are Eng.  
  
Blackadder puts his hands around George's mouth.  
  
Blackadder: Irish.  
  
Solider: But why do you have English accents.  
  
Blackadder: Because.we are getting the voice right for being spies to spy on the English.  
  
Solider: Then why is that man holding a British flag.  
  
George has a small cheap British flag in his hand.  
  
Blackadder: Oh yes you see those two are English I'm not.  
  
The Solider shots two arrows thought George and Baldrick's ears. They enter thought the left and come out the right. Both of them have arrows in their heads.  
  
Baldrick: That didn't hurt one bit me Lord  
  
George: Yes I don't feel no pain ether.  
  
Blackadder: That because the arrow hit nothing of any importance.  
  
Solider: Could you?  
  
Blackadder knocks out George and Baldrick.  
  
Solider: Now what about you?  
  
Blackadder: I'm not English I'm an Irish man by the name of O'adder.  
  
Solider: The same crocked O'adder who's dead and was an evil lying clergyman killed Protestants for no reason and drank ale in large amounts and was narrow minded.  
  
Blackadder: (under is breath) A true Irishman  
  
Solider: What?  
  
Blackadder: Nothing.nothing but I'm really Scotsman by the name of Macadder.  
  
Solider: The same Macadder who on holiday here ran down from the hills of Ireland with his kilt flapping.and not the only thing that was flapping. That guy should were underpants.  
  
Blackadder: No I'm a Welshman by the name of Davisadder.  
  
Solider: The same Davisadder who on holiday here shagged my flock of sheep.  
  
Blackadder: (Giving up) Bloody hell you lot hate everything British don't you?  
  
Solider: Yep!  
  
Blackadder: But why?  
  
Solider: I don't know I can't remember.  
  
Blackadder: So why don't we forgive and forget?  
  
Solider: No you lot piss us off.  
  
The Solider fights an arrow at Blackadder's thingy.  
  
Solider: I hit nothing of any importance to anyone!  
  
Blackadder: Sod this!  
  
Blackadder gets a gun a shots the Solider killing him then blacks out.  
  
Sean 14/ Hospital  
  
Blackadder, Baldrick and George are in beds recovering and Cromwell as come to see them.  
  
Cromwell: So let me get this right. You three were taken Prisoner by the Irish and they left you dead in a back-ally.  
  
Blackadder: Yes sir.  
  
Cromwell: Well I may point out that you were the only survivors of your army all the rest were killed.  
  
George: Well what about you're damn smashing army?  
  
Cromwell: Only one was hurt badly and I'm afraid that he's going to die.  
  
Baldrick: Who is it me Lord?  
  
Cromwell: Lord Melchit.  
  
Blackadder: Well then I'm going to see him before the bugger snuffs it!  
  
Blackadder gets out of bed. We see that he has a very large bandage on his thingy.  
  
Cromwell: Don't worry Blackadder.no use to anyone quite useless really.  
  
Blackadder: I didn't no you felt that way about Melchit.  
  
Cromwell: I was on about your thingy!  
  
Cromwell Laughs. Blackadder goes over to see to Melchit. The man dying and were can no longer see the others or hear them.  
  
Blackadder: Well Melchit you're dying what a happy day.  
  
Melchit: Don't try it Blackly.(Starts to gasps)  
  
Blackadder: What's that paper you're writing on?  
  
Melchit: My.will.Edmund..Edmund..  
  
Blackadder: What?  
  
Melchit starts dying.  
  
Melchit: (Getting weak) Edmund..come.come.closer.  
  
Blackadder: Yes.  
  
Melchit: It's.getting.dark.too.dark.to..see.  
  
Blackadder: Melchit?  
  
Melchit: There.is..another.Skywalker..  
  
Blackadder: I knew that.  
  
Melchit: There.was.one.one.one.time.I..made.love.to.  
  
Blackadder: A sheep?  
  
Melchit:.how.did.you.know.?  
  
Blackadder: A wild guess.  
  
Melchit: By.the.way.I.have.been.  
  
Blackadder: Yes.  
  
Melchit: (Completely recovered) I've been faking it!  
  
Blackadder: What?  
  
Melchit: Got you.April fool!  
  
Blackadder: But it's past 12:00 and it's May.  
  
Melchit: Well I still got you Bahhhh!  
  
Blackadder: And now I've got you.  
  
Blackadder gets a pillow and pushes on Melchit's face.  
  
(Pause)  
  
Blackadder that should be long enough  
  
He takes the pillow off Melchit's ace and Melchit has died.  
  
Blackadder Now to make a change to his will.  
  
Blackadder goes back to Cromwell  
  
Blackadder: It turns out that Lord Melchit left everything to me.  
  
Cromwell: Bugger!  
  
The End  
  
Writer's note. Randal: Well we hoped you enjoyed that and we may write some more. Enjoy. R4: 4 reel u iz a bit batty innit randal. Eddie: wfhdjjfjxcjnxjzcnxcnznxcskjfjkdjkfdklsfkjlxjkzckjxkjlcjklxzkjcjkxcjkxj Randal: Good point Eddie. R4: aiii Eddie: ffdfsdf Randal: He said please review. 


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